It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
