Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
