Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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