My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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