so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
