I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
