Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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