I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
