So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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