It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
