Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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