If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
