over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
