someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im six kinds of drunk right now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
