Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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