So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
