My underwear smells like fireworks.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
