watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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