i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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