I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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