just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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