Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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