At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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