Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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