So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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