its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
