I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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