Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
