Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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