I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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