Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
