My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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