You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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