Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
