In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
