My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
