the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
