Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
