I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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