Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
