If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
