he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
