I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
