maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
His nipple licking is glorious
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