Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
