I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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