I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
