how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
