I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize