Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
