Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
how does that bad decision feel?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
