the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
