Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
