Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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