"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
