Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
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Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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