So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
