hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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