You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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