ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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