Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
