you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
