laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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