I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You made out with two different species that night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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