she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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