nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
