So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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